ARE YOU HAPPY?

I really really have not much inspiration to write anything lately. As I said, its not like how it used to be, me; young and energetic. I can barely even remember my own age now (some say its denial of my real age, ha!). I used to be able to study and work, study and work non stop and still feel like a horse the next day, ready to charge and make a day. I started doing that since I was 15 years old and it has never stop since then, I think I am begining to feel tired. Perhaps there are more responsibilities involved now in both the work and study that I am in. I can't concentrate fully on both and I can't allow myself to do things half past six, so contradicting. Must be age factor again. Then when I do take time off for myself, I feel guilty about it!!! Like I should be reading or doing something more important. I have to keep telling myself that things will work out, just take it one day at a time.

On a totally different note entirely, I wonder about women that place their happiness on someone else (forget about the men, they are simpler creature that can't tell what is happy or sad). Anyway, placing your happiness on someone else means you will never EVER be happy. At the same time I do dearly think that some of the men really deserve a kick in the groin for the stupid shit they did or said to the women (irresponsible bastards) . HAPPINESS, is your own making. No one else to blame no one else can give it to you. Think about that. Happiness, is not restricted to being in a man or woman relationship but in any other relationship. Even human and cat. ;-)

I was telling CY about how my growing up years was really awkward and stupid. That each time I made any puberty error I end up feeling smaller and smaller and smaller, up to the extent of almost disappearing into nothingness. It is true and I am not exaggerating! I became really confused and sad, believe me there are some years in my high school that I want to forget! Makes me cringe everytime I think about it but that is part of growing up, you learn from it. I started reading motivational books (not knowing it was motivational book back then) and I realize that I am my own responsibility, my happiness is my own making. That's when I started to quest for my own happiness.

Happiness, is the most important thing in my life and I know I will suffer indignantly if I don't focus in that quest. In the journey of self discovery of course I became disoriented and stumbled and lost focus. Then God happened and I became really much more stable, He is one thing that is intangible but yet He was there during the hardest time of my life, in presence. He helped me to move forward. I know He is one relationship that will never let me down. God just happened here again, I never intended to write about Him and He appears again. :-)

It is just that, I saw few cases of friends that placed their happiness in the arms of some useless garbage bins and they ended up getting hurt. It didn't happen like once or twice but many times, why would you want to put yourself through such heartache knowing such bastard won't appreciate the heart's content you are giving out? So when you are crying in the corner of your lonely heart, you seriously need to think how do you want to manage your own happiness and I am 100% sure it is not others.

CY and me were discussing about another human being that claimed that they are the only one that is suffering in the planet and that the rest of the human beings are living on heaven. Right. So the only way for that human being to survive is to provide more suffering to other people cause that is the only way they know how to live. BULLSHIT! My point actually is that everyone's life priority is different. Some is materialism, relationship, power, fame and etc. All these are dependable relationships, you depend on them to seek satisfactions and fulfilment of desires that will have no ending. Happiness can be a dependable relationship as well if you expect someone else to make you happy or you hold charge on others to be responsible for your emotions. Still, they are all dependable relationship.

So my point is, you make your own happiness, don't place it on someone else. My focus in life right now is to be peaceful and happy and I myself am responsible for that. No one else. If I do make mistakes (which I do ALL THE TIME) then it happens, DEAL with it, and move on. I am not perfect, and I am fine being imperfect as it gives me an excuse to be human. Even if others tell you that you are worthless, useless...so what? You know yourself better, don't let them be in control of your life by putting yourself down. The only way that they can make an emotional tsunami in your life is because you depend on their approvals and you depend on them for your own happiness.

Smile as they condemn you even though they may think you are crazy but so what. If thoughts could kill I know many people  know will be without balls today. Muahahahahaaha.

One important thing I feel about being happy is that, although you are in control of your happiness it doesn't mean you can let other suffer from you trying to achieve your happiness. I know some will misread this.

p/s: CY just gave me this big clueless eyes when I told him what I've written. -_- Hmm.  I guess I was expecting him to stand up and give me a standing ovation? :-p Oh wait, or was that about the balls thingy I kept talking about above?!?!! Hahhaahahha.

Gee. I amuse myself sometimes, that's it! BE YOUR OWN CLOWN!