Bondi and me

Well, I didn’t do the walk. I took the bus instead. I like Coogee beach better. Smaller, maybe that’s why I like it. Didn’t do the walk cause the weather was just really unpredictable. I step out of the house, its pouring kittens and cats, I take another few steps, the rain stop. I keep the umbrella, it started to drizzle. –_-

Hide and seek izzit? So I quit the walk. Went to the beach had expensive pasta seafood with a glass of twins white wine, its rich and smooth. I like most of the wine here in Oz.

Here’s a shot of me and the beach. I surprise myself sometimes. Ha!

Oh, Dr Who is showing. He is running away from aliens from the desert that eat people in a red double decker bus. I haven’t got a clue what’s the series about until I saw the preview. It is almost alike to the dream I had. Now the bus is flying. Ok, that’s not part of my dream. The show is rather ridiculous with its hard to bear CGI.

No such thing

I have so much energy right now. I can’t really sleep. Books? I will be avoiding them for 24 hours before I get back at them, they’ve been my best buddies for this past week but hey, I think we need a break from each other. Just for a while. Might just do that coogee to bondi beach walk tomorrow. Need to take in as much of Autumn before it gets to Winter.

I don’t know why I feel so energetic but I feel if like I go to sleep right now I will waste so much time. I know I ain’t doing much right now but I feel so alive.

“Welcome to the real world, take a seat, plot it all in a black and white…

The best of me still up my sleeve, they love to tell you stay inside the line

I just found out there’s no such thing as the real world, just a lie you’ve got to rise above

I’m invincible. ”

Thank you JM!

16 years ago

Missing your talent.Your songs bring so much memory. Can't quite grip how such talent can be taken away. One of the rare rock gems around and gone.

I ain't psychic

A conversation I had with an old friend
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vito says:
my friend, australia got anything that Malaysia tak ada?
Guat Im says:
clean beaches, australian, 4 seasons, holden cars, stripe house, gay bars, mardi gras
Vito says:
all also hv iun malaysia eh,
Vito says:
clean beach > many island hv
Vito says:
australian> penang pun ada
Guat Im says:
if u are so smart already then dont ask in the first place
Vito says:
4 seasons> KL & pggot 4 seasons restaurant
Vito says:
haha
Vito says:
no la
Guat Im says:
not funny loh
Vito says:
sorry la
Guat Im says:
so lame lah u
Vito says:
ok ok
Vito says:
sorry gal i mean anything like food... that can be export to malaysia
Guat Im says:
see, be clear with yr question
Vito says:
i tok u clever ah
Guat Im says:
clever and psychic two different things
Guat Im says:
u shud know that already
Guat Im says:
gee, LIKE I SHUD KNOW U R TALKING ABOUT FOOD hor?
Guat Im says:
crazy
Vito says:
ok ok
Guat Im says:
u so smart already dont ask me again ok
Vito says:
then got any "food that can export to malaysia" and "Malaysia dnt hv?
Guat Im says:
i dont go out much so i wont know
Guat Im says:
so cant help u there
Vito says:
....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some people just stay the same don't they? ;-)
My friend how can I tell you anything since you know everything already ah? Best I say don't know kan? Love your '...' expression. It's exactly my point.

Damn vain

One thing which I can’t decide to be happy or cynical about. My age.

Today, well, when I was passing through the security check point. A man and a madam stopped me for the standard security check. So we had the usual polite small talk. Then the man asked me a question. He asked what is my age. I asked him, is that a legal question. He said yes, cause we have to make sure we are not hiring underage here. I’m like. Underage?  –_- You gotta be kidding me! Fine! Its XX (I ain’t revealing my real age here).

Both of them were extremely shock. The lady was like OMG, What are you eating (to that I answered Australian junk food)? and bla bla bla. The man was like ‘but I thought you were 18, bla bla bla’.

-----____________-----

Is this the joke of the century? The lady even shook my hand!!!

Not the first time I was mistaken for being 18 – 19. I know, laugh all you want, choke on your food if you must. Heck, I did. I am not full of myself ok. I mean it’s good to be complimented right? But 18 is too much lah, WAY too much. Isn’t this ridiculous? Can’t they see my crows feet? My XX age body? MY BLOODY PIGMENTATIONS, they kept popping up!!!

Another one of my colleague, we were talking and she was talking about her daughter. I was like, you have a daughter? I was asked to guess her age, and I was damn wrong. She looks so much younger than her age. So my turn, guess how old she think I was. 18. –_- When my boss interviewed me, she was shock to see me, ‘you don’t look like your age at all!’

I think this is a conspiracy. Victor thinks its an insult, I don’t take it that seriously, just very cynical. I always look at the person’s background when they are guessing my age. Like my colleague, she knew I was a student so she may have made a miscalculated judgement there. Or if the person is around 18 – 19, most probably they would have guess me around that age too. It’s normal. Right?

It kind of makes me wonder. Do I look that childish to people? I don’t think I look innocence or naive at all but neither have I been behaving like a teenager. I am just quiet and all I do is observe people. I think sometimes its not the look that is ageing people but the personality? Or maybe they think I am not worth my age? That I don’t have the wisdom or knowledge for a person of my supposed age. You know, those ‘how wise or knowledgeable can a 18 years old person be’ those kind of mentality? So people must have think I am not so wise and not so knowledgeable?

Oh, another factor is Asian people always look younger. That or the salmon fish oil I’ve been taking is really working. Perfect for women!

Slacker

I don't think I am that productive lately. On the surface I do converse between work, office (work) and in between food and sleep daily. However I am not producing much. I am just trying to make myself busy so that I don't slack, I am in the process of making a habit. Maybe that's why I am so tired. I do enjoy my work and work but I guess it doesn't mean that I can't get tired.

I really want to skip office work today and just go wind bathing in the harbour. Go visit the Rocks market again. Just be you know be useless or just stare into nothingness. But I know I can't stop doing this, knowing me, if I stop doin it, I will just start from zero again or even worst, doesn't even get started.

One funny thing I note about myself lately. I noted that in situations where I tend to get angry, I will ask myself, is it even necessary for me to get pissed off. Am I angry? Then it always end up, I couldn't even be bothered with it. Is this good or bad? I like it because I have less anger but it is just a temporary thing cause I am tired? Well, let's hope it turn into a habit.

Alright, going to go and try doing productive work.
I still slack too much.

Songs to my soul

Feeling rather empty emotionally or maybe I feel I need to induce myself with some sad songs, you know get more depress. Can’t think of any but Elton John’s – Your Song (not a sad song though), I want love (You seen the MTV? guess who’s starring in it?), then of course I was at John Mayer but I was kind of getting tired of that. Nothing fancy me this decade so I went backward a bit to the 1990’s. Some solid good songs there. My era.

Memorable year of 1996. So many hit songs from that year! Reminds me of high school, the joy and of course the not so joyful of first love. Remember Macarena? Ironic by Alanis? Wonderwall, I believe I can fly (Can’t believe he’s a paedophile though). Hootie and the Blow Fish anyone? One of my fav is by the Fugees – Killing me Softly. Mariah Carey was hot then before she got jaded with showing her 36F. Nobody Knows, this one for you Jamie Chan. ;-)

More of favs from the 1990s, Waterfalls – TLC, Tears in Heaven – Eric Clapton, Nothing Compares 2 U – Sinead O’Connor (She has bipolar and she’s a priest now I think), Hand in my pocket – Alanis Morrissette, Smooth – Santanna, All I Wanna Do – Sheryl Crow, No Doubt, Iris – Goo Goo Dolls, Green Days’ Good Riddance and some which I don’t really fancy Vanilla Ice and well, MC Hammer – you can’t touch this. All I can think about is his pants!

And then I went even more backward to the 50s. I love Rock n Roll. The soft and the hard. Such happy music. So much energy! AND SO PASSIONATE! Rockin’ Robin, The Everly Brothers (bit more country I feel), the Great Pretender :-D, Elvis Presley anyone? Have you seen how Chuck Berry plays the guitar? Fuyoh. I didn’t even know ‘Fever’ was from the 50s!!! I so like ‘dum do be do be dum waa…’ by the DelVikings, Come go with me. Sigh.

K, now I am moving to classical…D Major, Moonlight Sonata ;-). Yes. Am being very random tonight! Here comes Beethoven, Mozart and Chopin.

Its windy today!

Is such a beautiful day today although WINDY. Had some nice time chatting with Jessica.

Told her that people in long term relationship tend to stop pleasing each other after a while and that's bad news. Pleasing should come naturally not as in forced cause if you love someone its automatically you would want to please them.

How did I get this thought? Hahaha. Cause I am going crazy remember?

Anyway, I was having lunch at work the other day and I saw this old couple stop by a table beside me. The wifey sat down and the hubby was standing waiting for the wifey (to go and get the food together). The wifey said, you go and get your food now, I'll get my own later, I want to sit (she sounded really annoyed and tired). Hubby was really uncertain when he walked to the self service counter. I guess hubby can't decide what to eat without the wifey.

Why I thought of couple stop pleasing each other after they've been together for awhile? Just imagine how will that conversation goes if they just started dating. Wifey will most probably say 'darling let's decide together, what do you want to eat honey and bla bla bla' and hubby will most probably say 'sweetheart, do you want me to get you your favourite cheesecake, oh no you are not feeling well today, you just better have chicken soup and bla bla bla.' I know my example sound so cheesy but it happens!

Anyway, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that has to try sooooooo freaking hard to love someone. Do you? I know some people could be new to a relationship or some just doesn't know how to please or apparently SOME is TRYING REALLY HARD but not even a simple gesture during the birthday? How hard can that gesture be? If everything in a relationship is so hard, then just stop breathing!

Its a nice day today. I want to keep my happy thoughts. So gotta go.

Freedom of mind freedom of soul

I am very disoriented at the moment. The path to search for knowledge also is the path to search for myself.

There are so many thoughts in my mind and I feel like I am losing control. Nobody likes to lose control because of the unknowing path behind that. I am losing control because I no longer know how to react. Patience. That is the only bet that I have and I cannot set in my mind the result I wan to see because setting expectation IS controlling.

A journey of knowledge is also a journey to set free the spirit.

I will quit soon

Perfect timing to talk about blogging cause the same issue surfaced twice in a day. I have been thinking recently about me and my blog, bout its longevity.

Blogging – is there a private sphere to it? Why do people do it?

I remember I started out cause of some dude that dumped me and I just moved down to KL. Its really was my ground to hammer things out and sooner before I knew it I was hammering at everything in sight. I have had anger issues since young I think and I had no way of channelling it out until I found the blog. Its like hammering away on the keyboard allows me to release my anger into it, once I am done, I won’t remember what had happened until I reread the blog again. So I past the anger to the blog. That’s why rooftopkitten is always angry. It said so also on the profile. It knows.

I have had the habit of keeping diaries since young. Most of the time I was writing so that I can reflect about it later and it also to serve as a part of my memory because sometimes i just don’t remember anything that has happened. I like it when it reminds me of the sweet memory and sometimes it also reminds me not to be so trusting. But diary writing and blogging is so different lah. I don’t think I can deliver as much as I am writing as compared to typing. My mind wanders fast, better catch it before it wanders off.

I tried to be as honest as possible in my blog, in my own interpretations of course. It is supposed to be that way cause it is my blog right so I really don’t have to explain anything to anybody. In my effort to be as honest as possible? I have had some good gains from it and also and it has gotten me into some hot soup.

Its also how some of my friends keep in touch with me without keeping in touch? My friends back in Penang, some in KL, some in the south, some part in US and even new found blog friend like Lizzie. At the same time I do enjoy having some feedbacks from my ‘adventures’ of angry blogging. Its like gossiping you know. Its like a support group to pass my days. Like AA?  I tried to keep low profile for sometime with my blog but we all know with www its really not possible.

See see told me that I blog because I am revengeful, that in a way I want the people that I hammered to see my blog to be angry with what I have written. I ask myself that question. Do I really want that? It has never cross my mind but you never know about the subconscious being at work. Some of the thing I blogged can really damage my work reputation. If some of the people I blogged about found out about what I wrote? Wouldn’t that cause more harm than good to me? Then why would I want the people I hammered to see it?

Other than that its really about getting my anger off my chest. Everyone’s method is different. Mine is just blogging. Do you know it takes a lot of courage for me to talk in public? Like I can feel my face burning every time I want to say something? Even delivering an opinion to people that I don’t really know takes up lots of courage and a lot of exercising? That’s why I blog, its easier because I don’t have to consider so many factors, you know, for me to think things through. If I were to be confronted without me thinking things through, I might just explode right in front of you, either out of shyness or really out of anger. I feel I have been under control with my blog writings and it helps me to understand people and myself better. It has helped me SO much.

If I really want to anger someone. Its seriously not that hard. It’s so easy with the internet. Anyway, although as much as I want to argue that blog can be a safe haven since there are like zillions of it (probability of finding my blog is like really low), its still very much a public place.

I will quit blogging once I start my ‘actual’ career. Cause seriously, anyone can stumble into the blog and see things that they might not want to see and it makes me weak in a way because I feel I am too transparent in it.  It serves no good at all to be transparent isn't it? Even with your true feeling, be it good or bad. People can be so judgemental.

p/s: Comparing me to the tiger woman? You know how much I try not to get hurt by that? You know how I feel about that person right? If I am like that I would have thrown myself down the cliff. I think I have exhausted myself in trying to understand myself, this is not making it any easier.

No one is 100% right all the time.

I detest not?

You know what? I mean with regards to the explosion below? My housemate said, isn’t it good to be spoon fed?

I’m like? Hmmm…actually it does make life easier if I were spoon fed. Ha ha. Maybe ‘spoon fed’ was used on me cause I have it easy as my friend was trying to say below, it’s like I don’t struggle or float on one stupid thoughts forever, like my ideas or hard work of field work can just show up like that. I am a diamond that is still a rock and I have a good diamond expert to polish me to become a gem! Maybe to others it’s not easy. Why does it have to be difficult in the first place? When there is a difficult side to it sure there will be an easier side. Too good that I have it easy when others have it too bad and difficult. Geddit?? Geddit?? James Hillman rocks!

There is AND and not yea or nay cause there is SO much potential and possibility coming for this!!!

I detest the word spoon feed

So is spoon feeding a bad thing?

1. To feed (another) with a spoon.

2. To treat (another) in a way that discourages independent thought or action, as by overindulgence.

3.a. To provide (another) with knowledge or information in an oversimplified way.

b. To provide (knowledge or information) in an oversimplified way.
Source: thefreedictionry.com

- It means the person that's feeding don't think that the person being fed is capable of doing things independently and need to be guided all the way and
- The person being fed is incapable of doing things on her own.

Of course I am talking about myself. One of my friends which is not meeting his supervisor everyweek said apparently I've been spoon fed. Just because I am meeting my supervisor everyweek. Just because he asked me to be in his lectures which other PhD students are attending too, I am being spoon fed? So he spoon fed everyone? You think his lectures are just a piece of cake? That I can cough up my PhD just with that? You think I don't have to use my brain then I can just do it? If he is able to bring out the missing part/clue in my research and ask me to reflect upon it, can't he be just be a good and capable teacher at that and that is spoon feeding? So he won the excellent teacher awards just because he spoon fed? My friend how can you come to an assumption that he is doing that when you haven't even met him or attended his lecture once?

Of course I am very defensive. Why can't I be defensive about this? My friend said that spoon feeding can be good thing. In what way? I said this is not spoon fed and it's such a negative word, when there is a more positive word to use (I don't care if I learnt about senex and puer today!) ! Why can't a better word be used, like a caring or a awesome or a smart or a great term be use or a teacher that is able to withdraw the possible potential out from a student? Hey! THAT IS TALENT OK! I feel very privileged about it AND PROUD TOO!

I think my supervisor is doing his role perfectly! I mean if your supervisor's not meeting you every week, maybe you should start pondering why not right? Isn't it also their job to meet you weekly if possible since all of us are in the beginning of our PhD. It is not only I! Can't you say my supervisor is committed to his job and maybe your supervisors is too busy handling 6 other PhD students? Oh wait, I think my supervisor has more than that. I mean your co supervisor is also providing you the missing pieces and why didn't you use that as spoon feeding but you use the word 'clear'.

I think it is a wrong usage of word and how can you be saying I am defensive when you are insisting on using the word spoon feeding and so stubbornly saying it can be a good thing? Aren't you being defensive too? Come to think of it, why are you defending this word? Going back and forth saying he is giving me free articles (ITS A COURSE READER, common!!) and no other lecturer is meeting their candidate every week? Does that sound like a good intention for the definition of the word spoon fed? Not a very good example loh!

Haih, I rest my case. I don't know why did you come out with the conclusion that he's spoon feeding us? It happened right after I showed you his profile. I don't know how you draw that conclusion man!!! Just because I am new in Australia and my supervisor needs to spoon feed me and that is a good thing? Can't that be helping me to get adapted? Your supervisor never done that for you, so that must be bad from your supervisor! If he is not my supervisor and he is someone from ISS, say mentor that's assisting me, then that's spoon feed too? So anyone that assisting me is spoon feeding me?

I need logic lah.

Lowest EQ!

I told my housemate really nicely before not to knock on my door. Especially when I need to wake up early in the morning. Like 4am. Told her nicely too that I'll get pissed off. I hate people waking me up in the middle of the sleep.

She knocked on my door, again. She did it the day before last night. She did it again last night. I was really patience with her the day before, even helped her with some stuff. Then last night, although I wasn't asleep she knocked on my door. Of course I won't smile when I open the door, you cannot give face to this kind of people cause they just take things for granted!

She wanted me to reswitch the modem (its in my room) cause the internet has not been working. THE INTERNET HASNT BEEN WORKING FOR 2 WEEKS! It's no news. I was already NUMBED to it. I CAN'T EVEN SKYPE CY. YOU THINK I AM HAPPY ABOUT IT? AND WHO THE FUCK THAT WAS WATCHING MOVIES ONLINE? YOU! You admitted to me yourself the other night! Then you said 'don't know who was downloading the movie! ' How hypocritical! I reswitch it or not, THE INTERNET WONT WORK! BECAUSE YOU USED UP THE BANDWITH.

Don't you have any common sense?

Then when I came home from work. You know what she asked me? 'were you in the bad mood last night'

OF COURSE HELL BROKE LOSE!

You have got to be one of the person that has the most lowest EQ that I've ever met in my entire life! Believe me, it's not her first time asking people that question. She borrowed pasta from my the other housemate (I lost count of the time she borrow food from people) and never return it until I told her it's not nice to borrow and not to return. You know what she said? But it's such a small amount? Please, you expect people just to loan things to your? My the other housemate is very careful about her spending, you keep borrowing her, how is she going to survive? I know who took my cheese too! I count just to test you out but I never mention just to see how you react and you return it quietly after 2 weeks!

So when I came back from work, she asked the stupid question. I spoke very loudly naturally. How could you ask me that. I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO KNOCK ON THE DOOR!

'But your tv was on.'

-_- She still doesn't get it. Whether if the tv was on or not, that's not the point. You knocked!

'But the internet was down!'

----__________-----
Internet was down for 2 weeks already!!!!!!!!!!

'But you never told me...'

Faint~!
I TOLD YOU LAST WEEK REMEMBER!?!?! You don't have any respect for people's privacy?

'It's just a knock, I know how to respect people's privacy'

How do you communicate with this kind of idiot?
I have to tell her 'DO you know how angry am I?' No other housemate has done what you did!

'OK! I won't do it again!'

See how she response? No sorry. No remorse. Totally oblivious to other people's plight except of her own.

Don’t knock, there’s a shot gun!

I swear if someone knocks on my door again, I am going to give them a piece of my mind. It doesn’t mean my tv’s on I am not sleeping ok!

Who are you to say whether if I am sleeping or not. You shouldn’t knock after I told you CLEARLY not too.

Haven’t I been patience enough? So you should start be UNDERSTANDING AND SENSITIVE to other people’s need. Don’t say I never tell you.

Video streaming should be stop. Period! And one wonders why the connection is slow. Whether if its after or before the time.

AND STOP FINDING EXCUSES.